I didn’t last long.
Much to my credit, I made it through a lot of crud.
I made it through Tyler Perry’s worst Nutty Professor impression with that utterly distracting moustache. I made it through the over-acting of good thespians such as Stephen Amell and Laura Linney (come on guyyyssss, you are better than this.) I made it through that slow motion transformation scene where Megan Fox goes from blonde sexy scientist to valley girl as she, in the middle of a train station, changes into a mini-skirt and tied up blouse as the camera chooses to slowly pan across the flesh she now shows. I made it throw CGI pizza, spit-balls, and a hyperactive brain dripping gunk all over Shredder.
But I had to draw the line at animal penis jokes.
Yes, within this insipid attempt at movie-making there is a moment where two crooks turned animals compare the size of their dongs and congratulate each other on gaining such sizeable packages during the mutations. That was the moment the sensible side of my brain stopped and went, “enough.”
That was the moment Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows spiralled down the drain of my expectations that was already as low as possible.
The comic book franchise that nobody asked for has yet another putrid sequel that should be “delighting” audiences this half term. The movie leaps off where the prior entry finished. The turtles are still solving crimes, but within the shadows – nobody knows who they are or what they do. When master criminal Shredder escapes from prison with the help of the pulsating tentacle-clad Krang, they wind up embroiled in an intergalactic ploy to destroy New York and planet Earth. Can they defend the city once more?
Heavily laden with puerile jokes and messy action sequences, Out of the Shadows feels more like chore than an enjoyable summer flick. Director David Green attempts to rejuevinate the series but the joy is completely lost here. Turtles feels striped of the rambunctious energy that made it so famous during the nineties and the comic books beforehand. Steeped in the gritty grime that superhero movies just have o have nowadays, Out of the Shadows relies on comedy straight from an idiot’s joke book and doesn’t have the ballsy gun-ho follies to make it all acceptable. It’s all just sort of sad, really. And very, very, boring.
For the first half an hour, the movie encouraged balls of laughter from the little and grown-up audience members to the extent that I wondered what had made me such a grump that I just couldn’t enjoy the lumps of green pirouetting through New York with nun-chucks. But after a while the glee petered out into restlessness and the fun became rather arduous and dull. Frankly, the issues is that the story is so under-developed that the actors clearly had to overcompensate which is why seasoned performers raises their eyebrows in large alarm and talk then decibels higher than they should, uttering zero emotion, and little spirit.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows may appeal to its core audience but naysayers will have their displeasure confirmed: An immature, sloppy, and tedious outing for the heroes in a half-shell.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS IS IN CINEMAS NOW!