Children’s films – or animated films to be more precise – can go two ways; They can be endearing pieces of artistry with an exciting story-line or they are excitable ADHD ridden spectacles usually 25th in a line of sequel. In other words, they can be pants or shite – and you’re children won’t know the different nor will they care. I’m thinking about you, poor parents, and the stuff you are going to have to sit through. Because, by lord, you’ll be wondering with this dozy of a film – what the eff is this? (Eff because of the kiddie-winks.)
Ice Age: Collision Course has a plot like so; there is something about a meteor and our favourite animals who are miraculously surviving everything that fucking killed them off in the first place. OK. To be more precise there is a meteorite heading to earth and putting the lives of our “favourite” animals in jeopardy as they have to survive. Manny, Sid, and Diego all romp around with their enormous entourage (or, whatever, herd) trying to stop the impending doom because this is a children’s movie and you cannot kill off the leads of your franchise…Can they thwart Armageddon? I mean, is Bruce Willis at hand?
The curvature of sarcastic words that will, indeed, populate this review is mere a regurgitation of the absolute revulsion one will feel if you above the age of five. Sure enough the youngsters that this film is clearly trying to brainwash (entertain, whatever, ok) will be pleased as punch with the latest edition to the Ice Age franchise that has been going on for so long that I was a goddamn 13 year old when it first came out. Usually I’d fritter away about how I should put my critical side away for a few moments because kids are kids and this is for them. But, let’s face it, children are morons and the reason Ice Age is now a quintet of movies is because companies are trying monopolise on characters that are somehow more relevant.
The movie isn’t great. It’s not even good. It’s not even sufficient. It’s sloppy and disturbingly dull. There’s an abundance of computer manipulated furry creatures that parade on the screen with comical voices coming from the ill-advised actors such as Ray Romano and Simon Pegg. Folks who should either fire their agents or give them a raise because they stood in a booth for about two hours, read lines in an over-jolly voice, and got paid hundreds of thousands of pennies for doing so.
Maybe I am being harsh and I’ve sure as hell given up on being eloquent of it. Any movie that falls into the fifth instalment without pre-planning for it just seems exploitive of the younger generations and an attempt to peddle merchandise to their grabby sticky hands.
So for the adults who have been dragged into the cinema this weekend by excitable children, I can off you this rest-bite and soothing advice that the next film you’ll be lumbered with is Finding Dory. Two hours of animation hell you may have to contend with but as the jaunty roll of credits dances upon the screen, you’ll know that you can survive it. Minions, Norm of the North, Robinson Crusoe, we’ve seen the worst of children fuelled, ADHD riddled, colourful nightmares, and, at the very least, Ice Age: Collision Course is a bit better than them.
I’m just so sorry you have to sit through it. But we’re survivors.
Ice Age: Collision Course is out on DVD & Blu-Ray now!